Oh, my.

So it’s been a little over a month since we’ve had the official taste test of this Jones Tofurkey and Gravy soda. That’s mainly because, in the back of my mind, I’ve spent this entire time trying to come up with the adjectives to do it justice. I still haven’t fully come to terms with my experience, so please bear with me as I scrape the bottom of this barrel for the phrases necessary to convince you to never, ever try this soda.

But no matter what I say, you’re just going to try it anyhow. I know from experience: When you’re in a position to take a sip, curiosity over this trainwreck-in-a-bottle will get the best of you. But that’s OK. It’s all in good fun.

Jones dreams up these limited-edition soda flavors and sells them every year right around the holidays. A Turkey & Gravy soda made its debut in 2003, and other flavors followed almost every year after that, most notably 2004’s Mashed Potato soda and 2007’s Christmas Ham soda. I have no doubt that Tofukey & Gravy will return for Holiday 2010, because it’s got appeal to people who used to get a kick out of eating things their friends dared them to. Which is almost everybody, I think. Oh, and it’s vegan. That scores Jones some points from those who don’t partake in the holiday poultryfest.

So when you go to the Jones Web site to place your order, there are a couple of strategically placed red flags, all of which you will ignore. The first is the soda’s tagline, which reads in exaggerated sans-serif font, “Soda you can chew on.” Has anyone ever really wanted that?

The second warning is a turkey holding a sign that reads “Turkey approved.” But look closer: this turkey is absolutely terrified. If you Photoshopped a gun to its head, it would resemble a possible hostage situation. Its blue eyes are almost pleading with you to go back from whence you came. But you won’t listen. You’ll place an order, and the box will arrive on your doorstep fairly quickly. Just in time for a party, where you and your bravest friends will pass the bottles around in a circle and compare stinky faces after you take your first sips. “Ugggh,” “Whoah…eghh” and two octaves worth of gurgling noises soon follow the slightly sweet and overall rancid flavor of gravy, diluted Dimetapp and artificial sweeteners.  Hey, the turkey warned you. Sorta.

The best thing out of the whole deal was the collector’s metal lunch box the soda came with — but even then, I didn’t feel right about keeping it because it had a cute little cartoon depicting an animated wad of Tofurkey at the circus. I dislike both Tofurkey and the circus. Wait, why did I want to try this soda again?

Photo credits: Turkey and lunchbox photos are from Jonessoda.com.

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 21st, 2010 at 11:22 pm and is filed under At the table, Food oddities. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.