Oh, my.

So it’s been a little over a month since we’ve had the official taste test of this Jones Tofurkey and Gravy soda. That’s mainly because, in the back of my mind, I’ve spent this entire time trying to come up with the adjectives to do it justice. I still haven’t fully come to terms with my experience, so please bear with me as I scrape the bottom of this barrel for the phrases necessary to convince you to never, ever try this soda.

But no matter what I say, you’re just going to try it anyhow. I know from experience: When you’re in a position to take a sip, curiosity over this trainwreck-in-a-bottle will get the best of you. But that’s OK. It’s all in good fun.

Jones dreams up these limited-edition soda flavors and sells them every year right around the holidays. A Turkey & Gravy soda made its debut in 2003, and other flavors followed almost every year after that, most notably 2004’s Mashed Potato soda and 2007’s Christmas Ham soda. I have no doubt that Tofukey & Gravy will return for Holiday 2010, because it’s got appeal to people who used to get a kick out of eating things their friends dared them to. Which is almost everybody, I think. Oh, and it’s vegan. That scores Jones some points from those who don’t partake in the holiday poultryfest.

So when you go to the Jones Web site to place your order, there are a couple of strategically placed red flags, all of which you will ignore. The first is the soda’s tagline, which reads in exaggerated sans-serif font, “Soda you can chew on.” Has anyone ever really wanted that?

The second warning is a turkey holding a sign that reads “Turkey approved.” But look closer: this turkey is absolutely terrified. If you Photoshopped a gun to its head, it would resemble a possible hostage situation. Its blue eyes are almost pleading with you to go back from whence you came. But you won’t listen. You’ll place an order, and the box will arrive on your doorstep fairly quickly. Just in time for a party, where you and your bravest friends will pass the bottles around in a circle and compare stinky faces after you take your first sips. “Ugggh,” “Whoah…eghh” and two octaves worth of gurgling noises soon follow the slightly sweet and overall rancid flavor of gravy, diluted Dimetapp and artificial sweeteners.  Hey, the turkey warned you. Sorta.

The best thing out of the whole deal was the collector’s metal lunch box the soda came with — but even then, I didn’t feel right about keeping it because it had a cute little cartoon depicting an animated wad of Tofurkey at the circus. I dislike both Tofurkey and the circus. Wait, why did I want to try this soda again?

Photo credits: Turkey and lunchbox photos are from Jonessoda.com.

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I gathered some friends together to squelch our mutual curiosity for a tiny, scarlet berry and it’s “miraculous” effects.

The gathering was called flavor tripping, and the berry is deemed Miracle Fruit. Eating one of these will weird-out your tastebuds to varying degrees and allow you to experience food in a different way – by ditching some of their nature-intended flavor profiles for radically different ones. The promise was that acids and sour foods would take on sweeter notes, while already sweet foods would become cloying. It sounded too good to be true. And in some respects, it is. It’s a crapshoot, really.

First, you bite into the berry, roll the pulp around your tongue for a few minutes (to coat tastebuds) and spit out the seed. If you’ve done it right, it’s effects should last anywhere from 20 minutes to two hours, depending on the potency of the individual fruit, and, as Wired magazine speculates, depending on your genetic makeup. There’s no guarantee that it will work, and no guarantee of how long it will work. You just have to trust that it will. And for the most part, it did: A few people reported that the berry worked instantly, but others say the effects were extremely subtle until a second berry was ingested. (I had ordered extra berries for this scenario.)

For their price ($3 each), they’re not anything you would reach for when you want a snack (and the Miracle Fruit’s taste isn’t anything to write home about, either). So, are they worth it? Read on for the rundown and some comments from flavor-trippers.

The awesome:

• Lemons tasted like summer lemonade – the good kind – not the kind that tastes like lemon-flavored sugar water.

• Limes were candy-like.

• Apple cider vinegar tastes very similar to bottled apple juice. I could drink it straight from a cup.
• Kumquats reminded me of tart oranges.
• Sour Patch Kids: The gummy candy turns sickeningly sweet.
• Radishes were like eating jicama: Crunchy and slightly sweet, absent of the radish’s spicy bite.

The just-OK:

• We had read that Guinness would taste like chocolate shakes, but instead, it was like sipping carbonated iced tea.
• Tabasco sauce: Much sweeter, though still with the spice. Try this sparingly.
• Goat cheese: Change in flavor was subtle, almost cheesecake-like.
• Red wine tastes like plum wine.

The awful:

• Sour cream is bland.
• The general consensus was that absinthe gets worse with every sip.

Side note: If you’re going to have your own flavor-tripping party, note that heartburn is a major concern because of all the acids being consumed. “Next time you have one of these parties you should have antacids on hand,” said my friend Joe, who pretty much sat in silent, esophageal agony while we retired to Guitar Hero for the evening. (Sorry, Joe!)

Here’s what some of our guests had to say about the experience. I’ll add more as they come in. Hopefully with these different opinions, you’ll be able to gauge whether or not it’s worth it to hold a flavor tripping party of your own.

Devin: “I was actually not expecting the tiny little berry to work at first. I was even more skeptical once I started rolling the berry around in my mouth. I could barely taste it! As soon as I spit the pit out, the first thing I went for was a lemon. Wow! The extremely sour and lip puckering sensation that normally accompanies citrus fruit was gone…instead I was left with what tasted like sugary pink lemonade from a hot dog stand. The berry indeed made everything taste sweeter. I wish I had sampled more items, however, before I ate a big chip covered in Tabasco sauce. Not even that magical berry could cut through the spicy Tabasco.”

Mark: “The berry worked well for me the second time around because the first time, I chewed it rather than let it melt in my mouth. The sour flavors had the most profound effect while the spicy flavors had the least effect. My appetite increased because I wanted to try all the different flavors and I found myself just constantly snacking. Since I didn’t have any expectations beforehand, berry tripping was a cool experience.”

Roxanne: “The berry had an immediate effect on fruits like lemons and limes, making them sweet and sugary, but it didn’t noticably change my taste buds when I tried anything salty or spicy. Also, it wore off rather quickly.”

Joe: “I thought it was gonna be more of a significant change, but it was more subtle. It was interesting and I enjoyed it nonetheless.”

Mike: “I like the berry very much! I’m tempted to think that our batch was perhaps ‘stale’ or something similar – the effect was very understated, especially before I had the second berry. After that, though, I could really tell the difference in the fresh citrus (they were edible, though not quite like eating a sweet orange) and the radishes (the familiar, peppery bite was gone). The effect was less obvious in the vinegar and hot sauce (the strong vinegar smell might have contributed to that) and the cheese, which just tasted somewhat bland. Overall, I enjoyed it, and I’m looking forward to trying it again, perhaps with “fresher” (or more local) batch.”

Me: I thought it was pretty rad, but do agree that the effects wore off sooner than I had thought it would. I had gotten the berries from MiracleFruitMan.com, based in Florida (and mentioned in the NY Times piece) and they arrived frozen, so I imagine there’s a huge difference in trying the berries right off the plant than trying them frozen. I do know that they tend to deteriorate almost immediately after being picked, so I wonder if they would have been shipped frozen had they come from the local California farm (where there’s a huge waitlist). I imagine that buying them while they’re in season (whenever that is) will heighten the effect.

– Cynthia Furey

This post is spawned from a weird radio commercial I heard on the way to the office this morning. In it, a friendly male voice plainly says “In Minnesota, it is illegal to cross state lines with a duck on your head.”

I wondered if it was still illegal if the duck in question was cooked.

This led me to think about other food laws and bans that are currently in place in America. The foie gras ban in California for 2012. This whole business with the Roquefort tariff — where cheese lovers will soon pay a 300-percent markup for the cave-aged, French bleu – is a current hot-button topic, too. (The L.A. Times recently reported on a delay in the tariff)

I started searching for other serious food bans and tariffs, but then realized that exposing our country’s strange food-related laws would be more fun. Read on, dear readers, and judge for yourself if these are too wacky to be true.

• In Alaska, it’s illegal to give a beer – or any other alcoholic beverage – to a moose.
• Missouri cities can levy a tax to support a band, as long as the city’s mayor plays the piccolo and band members can eat peas with a knife.
• In Greene, N.Y., don’t eat peas and walk backwards down a street during a concert. It’s illegal.
• Clawson, Mich.: There’s an actual law that makes it legal for a farmer to sleep with his animals. (I hope this means “sleep,” as in “catch some Zzs” and not “sleep” as in “sexy time.” Gah.)
• In Texas, if you take more than three sips of beer while standing, you’ve broken the law.
• Connecticut law says that a pickle is officially a pickle only if it bounces.
• To Idaho women in hetero relationships: It’s against state law for your man to give you a box of chocolates that weighs less than 50 pounds. (Cash in, sisters!)
• Residents living in a small town in Colorado may not own chickens, but may own up to three turkeys.
• In Gainesville, Ga., it is illegal to eat chicken with a fork.

Sources: MundayWeb, TurtleZen, The News Journal, Mental Floss, Roadside America.

– Cynthia Furey

Side note: March Madness is a month-long challenge in which I will post Monday through Friday for the entire month. Thank you for reading!

Our beautiful America was built on the promise of golden mountains, golden opportunities and Golden Arches, the latter being a big reason why the rest of the world thinks we’re a nation of excess. And for the most part, they couldn’t be more right.

Consider the Bacon Explosion, a recipe developed by competitive ‘cuers from Kansas City: Two pounds of bacon, two pounds of sausage, some barbecue sauce, more bacon, all smoked and sliced like it’s a Christmas ham. It caused quite the Internet stir, resulting in The New York Times dedicating journalistic manpower to produce a full-length story on the meat beast. And on the BBQ Addict’s Web site (where the recipe originated), there are hundreds of comments.

Competitive eating is also gaining popularity (Joey Chestnut, photo above). Eating contests were once events reserved for backyards and drunken parties, but lo, they boast a global headquarters for all those worldwide who want to take excess to a professional level. Blogs have popped up with schedules of contests small and large, and many of them document their own, non-IFOCE-sanctioned contests.

We also love Guinness culinary record-breakers, most recently the world’s largest cheesecake in Mexico City (which, incidentally, The Wall Street Journal has deemed the “World’s Greatest Food City”).

Like many Americans turn to a tub of Haagen Dazs when we’re feeling blue, it seems the rest of the world is right there with us. This may have something to do with denial for the current economic state – though we’re down, we’re not out, and we’re going to eat heartily to prove it. Cost will not stop us. A lot of cash was funneled into that two-ton cheesecake, and bacon is not cheap. Though the cost of butter, sugar, flour and chocolate have risen substantially, people still stage cookie-eating contests at dinner tables and festivals across the nation. Excess used to be frowned upon, but as a nation we’ve wrapped our arms warmly around the concept. It’s a form of comfort. It’s not a bad thing.

Those against excess will think this is an appalling shift in the way we’ve been eating. It’s body-taxing to sit down and eat 3 days’ worth of calories in a single bacon roll, and it’s unpleasant to watch a body react by rejecting 50 Oreo cookies or hot dogs or what have you. For the naysayers, I offer a glimmer of optimism: Aren’t we always saying that things get worse before they get better? Maybe we’ve hit culinary rock-bottom. Maybe there are better things to come.

For the enthusiasts, I say that this is your time to shine. There is no other time I can think of — save for these historical occasions — where excess is as accepted as it is now. The human body is resilient. Do your thing, as I will do mine. (Click on “Read the rest of this entry” for recipe)

CHOCOLATE CHIP CONTEST COOKIES (NEIMAN MARCUS COOKIES)
Adapted from e-mail forwards and urban legend message boards

Some cook’s notes: Cookies are perfect for eating contests because you can double or triple a recipe with little to no problems. There are two versions to this cookie, one on the Neiman Marcus Web site that doesn’t use blended oatmeal, and this one, which does. Both are equally good. If you don’t have a mixer, this is one of those thick batters that you’re gonna have to roll up your sleeves and really dig into.

• Yield: 112 cookies (recipe can be doubled or tripled)
• 2 cups unsalted butter, room temperature
• 2 cups granulated sugar
• 2 cups light brown sugar
• 4 eggs
• 2 tsp. vanilla
• 5 cups blended oats (instructions below)
• 4 cups flour
• 2 tsp. baking powder
• 2 tsp. baking soda
• 1 tsp. salt
• 24 oz. chocolate chips
• 1 8 oz. Hershey bar, grated
• 3 cups chopped nuts of your choice (optional)

PROCEDURE:
1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees. In a mixer, cream butter and sugars until light and fluffy. Add eggs one at a time, mixing until blended. Add vanilla.
2. Place 5 cups of instant dry oatmeal in a blender. Blend until oatmeal resembles a fine powder (almost flour-like).
3. Put blended oats to a large bowl. Sift in flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Mix all dry ingredients thoroughly.
4. Working in batches, add dry ingredients to mixer on low speed. Mix until flour is just incorporated, scraping down sides of mixer as needed. Do not overmix.
5. Add chocolate chips, grated Hershey bar and nuts, if using. Mix well.
6. Roll batter into 2-inch balls and place on a cookie sheet 2 inches apart. Flatten slightly.
7. Bake cookies for 10 minutes or until golden brown. Remove from sheet and place on wire rack to cool.

– Cynthia Furey

I have my own version of the latter. It’s my Favorite Things sandwich. The beauty of a Favorite Things sandwich is that a person can have more than one. Mine changes with whatever’s available in my apartment: Sometimes it’s peanut butter, almonds, bananas and chocolate chips on Wonderbread; once it was turkey breast, ground beef, cream cheese and bacon bits on toasted and buttered sourdough. A Favorite Things sandwich can be made of anything you want, even leftovers. The only condition is that it has to be comprised of your favorites. It also has to be eaten alone, or if you must, in the company of someone whom you trust. I wouldn’t eat a Favorite Things sandwich in front of just anybody.

Normally, each blog post begins with a food photo. This post is an exception, simply because I fear that my honesty may appall some of you. Sometimes, Favorite Things sandwiches can’t be pretty, no matter how hard you try. And while this isn’t as bad as some of the Favorite Things sandwiches I’ve had in the past, I still hesitate. The choice is yours, you may click on the link below for a visual and recipe for my latest Favorite Things sandwich. Or you can pretend I said nothing at all.

Behold, my Favorite Things sandwich: Toasted French baguette, scrambled eggs with Irish cheddar, prosciutto di San Daniele, olive oil, all topped off with a healthy blob of burrata cheese. A savory monstrosity in which I relished every bite and felt no guilt. Those are the best meals.

FAVORITE THINGS SANDWICH

Yield: 1 sandwich

2 slices of bread, your favorite kind
Favorite leftovers
Odds and ends
Salt and pepper, to taste

Procedure:
1. Place one slice of bread on paper plate. Heap sandwich contents lovingly on bread. Top with second bread slice.
2. Take paper plate to couch.
3. Using television remote, surf channels to find television show as equally satisfying as sandwich.
4. Kick feet up onto coffee table. Dig in.
Note: You may need to flatten your sandwich slightly in order for it to fit in your mouth.

– Cynthia Furey